If I could hie to Kolob

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
August 19, 2007

I didn’t have time to do my usual cursory research into another denomination this week, so I decided to give the Mormons another go, having failed to attend a complete service the first time I tried, about a month ago. I’m sorry to report that again I failed.

Once more I tried to find information about the meeting times on the Internet. Once more, no luck. It seemed to me that last time I had arrived about a half hour into the service, so I thought 9:30 might be a good time to show up.

I walk into the sanctuary a few minutes before 9:30 am, and immediately realize that once again I have missed the beginning of the service. Darn these Mormons for not publishing any information about when their services start!

Also, I am astounded to see that this seems to be an entirely different crowd than last month. Have the various stakes who use this facility switched meeting times? Last time the sanctuary was full of kids, and the make-up of the group was very multicultural. Today the group is quieter, whiter, and older. There are only about 30 cars in the parking lot, and about 90 or so people in the sanctuary. Or perhaps this is just the summer slump, and most people are at the shore this weekend. Churches all over New Jersey deal with the strong pull of the Jersey shore on their congregations; almost everyone, it seems, tries to spend as much time “down the shore” as possible.

The program lists a couple of speakers and five hymns, including “If You Could Hie to Kolob.” (Now that sounds like a Mormony hymn to me.) One of the speakers tells us that his experiences travelling to various stakes to give his testimony has been invaluable in making him more confident and a better speaker. He relates a long, boring story about how he got lost driving to a stake meeting once, but eventually found the place in time, for which miracle he gives credit to God.

The second speaker is more long-winded than the first one. He tells us about several “miracles” he has experienced.  Unfortunately, he uses the Hank Kimball style of storytelling. I hope everyone remembers Hank, the county agent on the wonderful old surreal sitcom, Green Acres. Hank could never get to the end of a story because he kept correcting himself, adding details, changing his mind, etc. It was funny on Green Acres, but today it’s driving me nuts.

He tells a story something like this: I love to drive up to the top of mountains – well, even hills, or small promontories – because you know, it’s just so wonderful to look down from any kind of height. So one afternoon about two years ago – no, maybe it was three years ago. Let me see, was it the summer of 2005? I think so. Anyway, I had driven to the top of this kind of medium-sized foothill in my old Ford – no, it wasn’t the Ford, I believe it was a Datsun, a red Datsun – and around 5:00 in the evening I started back down again – no, it was probably closer to 3:00 or maybe 4:00, because there was still plenty of light outside. You know, maybe it was the Ford after all – yes, I think I was driving the Ford that day. So anyway, the car breaks down and I have no idea what to do, and I haven’t seen anyone else on the road all day. Well, when I say all day, I mean I haven’t seen anyone in several hours, except perhaps one or two cars, but this was definitely an isolated road.

After ten minutes of this kind of thing, he finally reveals that he prayed for help, a police car drove by, and he was able to get a ride to the nearest gas station. And it was a miracle.

Gosh, maybe these Mormon speakers should talk to the LCMS pastor who advised us not to expect miracles – if you just downgrade the definition of miracle to mean “anything that happens to me,“ you’d be seeing plenty of miracles every day.

On my way out after the meeting I walk by an impressive gymnasium. I’m having a hard time mustering up enthusiasm for these Mormon meetings; the two partial services I’ve attended have seemed confusing and boring. But there is obviously something here that appeals to lots of other folks. These four local stakes have managed to build a large, well-equipped sanctuary in a fairly expensive neighborhood, and they must do a good job with programs for children.

Clearly, I have not done the Mormons justice, and for that I apologize. But I don’t want to try again. I just want to hie myself back home. I’m probably also still a little grumpy about not being able to find out when the services begin.

Later, I take time to reconsider. I have heard testimonies from five Mormons. The first time I heard a young girl speak nervously and charmingly about her faith, and two men stood up to remember their fathers. The second time I heard two young men talk about how God is constantly working in their lives, even in ordinary daily occurrences that might not strike anyone else as much of a miracle.
If I can generalize from such a small sample (and why not – that’s my MO), LDS folks enjoy hearing their fellow believers share everyday stories about their lives, with a little bit of light theology added. They don’t have paid preachers, so they don’t expect a professional sermon. Perhaps everyone in the group is expected to share his or her testimony at some point during the year, although clearly some people travel around sharing their thoughts with other stakes on a regular basis.

The last two speakers I heard struck me as somewhat self-centered (God as a divine GPS system and AAA road service assistant, on call whenever you need Him), but who am I to criticize someone for finding ordinary things miraculous? I’m generally in the “a mouse is miracle enough to stagger sextillions of infidels” camp. And although I found the meetings on the dull side, obviously I was in the minority, as this seemed to be a very successful concern.

Some people who read this would want me to spend more time pointing out the serious flaws and defects of Mormon theology, as they see them. But that is not my purpose in recording these visits. I’m not Mormon, and I don’t find their theology particularly congenial. However, I’m not looking for a new church to join. I’m just trying to experience a variety of different types of worship services, and learn a little more about what might make someone else think that this place is a fine place in which to worship God. I can see how the Cherry Hill stake might be that place for some people.